YOUR SPACE FOR PLEASURE-CENTRED, JUDGEMENT-FREE AND HOLISTIC RELATIONSHIPS AND PLEASURE EXPLORATION

The human behind the screen

I'm Selina Nguyen (she/they). I'm a relationship and sex therapist and founder of Come Back to Bed. I've spent years studying the science and the art of good relationships and good sex. Here I write, collaborate and share resources on my learnings and invite you to join me for the ride. My holy mission is creating better sex and better relationships for all through education, pleasure and connection. Fluff up your pillows, get cosy and let's go.

Pleasure is political. Pleasure is radical. Pleasure is generative. Pleasure is relational. Pleasure is erotic.

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BODIES

SEXUAL AND GENDER DIVERSITY

So You Want to Explore Non-Monogamy?

Desire as an Invitation, not a Demand

Less Self-Help Books, More Smut

Ask Sel: Is Pain with Penetration Normal?

The Sheets

Always late to the trends but here’s the pleasure and intimacy propaganda I fell for and had to walk myself back from 🫣 Yes even your therapists can’t escape the cultural and social machines of sxual expectations, miseducation and assumptions

When it comes to solo play, we often get in the habit of finding what works, finding our go-to content, position or toy and getting it over and done in less than 5 mins before moving onto our next meeting or chore. For many, our routine never strays from how we first started to maz or it gets shorter and shorter in duration as we rush to get from point A to point B as quickly as possible.

This is your reminder to not just keep it hot and fun in your relationship, but to do it for yourself too. There’s always more to learn about your body and your s-xuality if you take the time to look for it. What’s hotter than that? 👅👅

Taking up space in relationships has been the biggest theme for sessions of late, whether it’s asking to open the relationship, initiating s-x, repairing after an argument, sharing that something hurt you to begin with.

These are some reminders that I’ve been saying in sessions a lot lately that could be useful for you too.

When we push down our own needs and wants, we can feel resentment and bitterness when others share theirs. That’s a signal to ask yourself what else is missing 🪞 Martyrdom is not the purpose of relationships or your life.

You’re allowed to ask. Our partners are not need fulfillment machines and that’s a whole other lesson of relationships. You’re allowed to ask nonetheless 🌀

Latest writing for @wildsecrets.official 💌💋 There’s a whole lotta hype around non-monogamy and polyamory in the culture and media at the moment, so consider this your 101.

Link in bio if you wanna dive in!

Loved celebrating Mardi Gras with this interview at @pedestriantv @durex.au and chatting about how y’all are naughty freaks 🏳️‍🌈⛓️

Hello little people in my phone, here’s a reintroduction to me since it’s been a while (years now) 🪞 So yes duh, I’m a relationship and s-x therapist. I work with lotsssss of areas but mostly topics including desire, pleasure, p-rn, non-monogamy, embodiment, and neurodivergence.

I write things when I feel like it, I host queer speed dating events over at @welcometoloveclub_ and I also educate folks with disabilities on relationship and dating skills over at @thedateabilityproject 🤝

I’m currently personally exploring the worlds of somatics and tantric massage, being in my “learning by doing” era which has been super fun. I’ve also been curious lately about the intersection of s-x and death and all that they have in common. I’ve got some delicious things in the works including panels, published academic papers (whoa) and even more writing for you.

I have also just opened my books at Come Back to Bed as my private practice (double whoa), link in bio for online sessions and s-x ed consults 👅

Photography: @tnzzl__ 💋

Try these on for size 👅🤝 Communicating more during spicy time is a topic that comes up time and time again in session. It can feel tricky for many reasons and one I know is often that we don’t have any positive role modeling around what this can look like, so here we are 💋

Some V-Day cards for you to send your lover, your sweet little play thing, your crush, whomever the shoe fits 💌🌹 Go ahead, you know you wanna

Valentine’s Day is fasttttttttt approaching, and I am a sucker for a love letter and also a firm believer that telling folks how much they mean to you and what you adore about them shouldn’t only happen when you’re in an argument or at their eulogy

So I’ve written up some ideas and inspo for you if you think 2025 might be the year for love letters, but are unsure where to start or just want some fun and unique ideas. There are only so many times you can write “we’ve been through many ups and downs” 😀😀

I got you and you’re welcome 💌🌹

The wild combo of these books has me in such an emotional rollercoaster. I feel simultaneously held and angry and outraged and curious and sad and everything in-between, and I wouldn’t have it any other way 😀🤪

Even though each of these books speak to what all seems like very different topics in the world, they each explore important themes and systems that can impact the way that we learn, experience and interact with our bodies, others and the world at large. From the patriarchy to collective trauma to attachment styles, it’s a good day to be a reader 🧎‍♂️

A lil something-something that I wrote for @goodvibesclinic 🤝 Read the full and naughty version (aka uncensored because of the IG overlords) at the link in bio!

Your friendly local s-x therapist is back on her learning shit (as if it ever stopped) and on this latest installment, we’ve been chipping away at the Queen’s @estherperelofficial latest course on desire which is undoubtedly one of my favourite topics in session. Here are some of my takeaways 🪞

Efficiency is not the point!!!!

2024 wrapped 🤝 This year has been huge for me and Come Back to Bed, I’m so in love with what we get to create and where it’s going LET’S GO

December 11th has been found to be one of the most common days for break-ups throughout the year. The end of year season is rife with change, self-reflection and social and cultural pressures so it’s no wonder many relationships already on the cliff’s edge don’t make it through.

So I thought it was time to update my guide to break-ups! The body can run amok when it comes to break-up season and your brain will always follow suit. As an Aries, I love the energy of a break-up and know firsthand it can be a beautiful (though not at all gentle) time for re-envisioning and redirection. Go easy and be kind 🍊

Hope this helps and if not, my books are open for January 2025 🤪

PSA: Spontaneity is overrated and your fixation on “waiting for the mood to strike” makes you miss out on lots of great s-x 🥰 The process of building desire together can be hot as hell!!

This month has been an incredibly juicy and energizing one for reading 🧚‍♀️🤝 I am OBSESSED with each and every one of these reads for so many reasons, and I need you to read them so that we can discuss asap

By now, you know I love a good list 🧎‍♂️ Lately, conversations have orbited around the definition of s-xy and how these definitions are forever changing. It is of course closely influenced by gender, body, ability and the like, but it is also a state of mind and a story that you create. Mind you, a story that you don’t inherently need validated or witnessed by other people unless you want it to be. You can just feel s-xy all for your damn self.

It’s a continual choice to shift focus from looks and aesthetic to how your body feels and following your pleasure instead. It’s deciding to stop moving your goalposts of “I’ll be s-xy if…” or “when…” and knowing that it’s always been available to you - if you want it. It can be all of these dot-points or none of them. It’s all perspective baby 🌀

This anon question was an interesting one to tackle with only one sentence of context but here we go! D/s is a huuuuuuuge spectrum and it’s worth getting crystal clear on what it means for you because you could be indirectly asking for one thing and your partner is thinking of another. It’s a worthy reminder that dominance does not inherently equal aggression or non-consensual 🤝

One facet I often come across in sessions is folks worrying about disrespecting their partner despite their partner making a very clear request, so those folks instead get distracted by the meaning or story that we can attach to the experience. So in exploring d/s, reassurance and reminders can go a long way xxxx

-Love, S

We all have a responsibility to learn how to handle these kinds of disclosures with care because even if you think you don’t know a victim-survivor of SA, you do. You don’t need to be trained professional to show up with care and these are some useful starting points for how to do just that.

The question “do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?” can go a long way in figuring out what that person is wanting from you. It’s also just as important to know what resources are available like the wonderful teams over at @thesurvivorhub or @fullstopaustralia 🧡

In honour of the super delicious and yummy release of Gillian Anderson’s book Want which is full of women’s fantasies and an embodiment of pleasure in written form, I need to remind you of S-xy Stories here on Come Back to Bed (I forgot about it too). A community-made space of saucy stories written by you, for you 👅

Whether you’re reminiscing on your fave experiences, your fantasies, dedicating a piece to lover, or just practicing your writing skills, it’s welcome. Submissions are forever open, get to work!!!!!

This is a situation I see way too often in long-term relationships and it can also play out in our solo sessions.

There are so few areas in our lives where we accept this “set and forget” approach that we can often have towards s-x and desire - that we can start off well and then never need to adapt, fine-tune or nourish it 😀😀 Even in the face of changing life circumstances like babies, disability, mental health and the like, there is an expectation that s-x and desire should “naturally” prevail without intervention or effort

There are often layers of thought to it: “it’s easier to just follow the same script” or “it should just happen naturally” or “it’s good enough” or “it’s too awkward to change it up now” and more. Each layer can get in the way of creating opportunities and s-xual experiences that actually align what our evolving wants, needs and life circumstances. S-x and desire is meant to change and evolve as we do, you just have to keep up and create new scripts accordingly 🧚‍♀️

Just like we hit the gym to feel good or create budgets for our financial futures, we know that it’s these little habits and everyday practices that build up and support us over time. Even if we don’t see immediate change or get immediate gratification, we know it can be good for us because it’s aligned with our values or priorities.

So just like we look after our health, our finances, our homes and more, tending to our s-xuality usually comes pretty far down on the list for many of us. Sometimes it’s so far down that it’s non-existent 😀

It’s these practices that build up over time. They can make it easier for you to switch into the mindset of touching and being touched, but they’re also delicious and juicy experiences in their own right. They remind you to explore, slow down and savour. These are just some examples of what that can look like 🌀 What’s on your list?

Who said s-x ed had to be all clinical and boring? For this round of S-x Ed for a S-x Therapist, I was in dire need of some fun, entertaining and light-on-the-brain reads so here we are

Each Winter, I feel called to return to @euphemia.russell Slow Pleasure and each time I take away something different. I’m forever learning to slow down, re-connect and find pleasure in the present moment. This book serves us a potent reminder of why it’s important and how to get there 🌀

I found S-x Lives of Australian Women while thrifting the other week and it’s been a curious dive into s-xual behaviour and being able to see what’s changed and what hasn’t in the 15+ years since its publication

ACOTAR was just a fun rollercoaster of emotions and s-xy fairies. I finished the series a while back now, but I wanted to include it because it actually taught me about the power of smut in exploring imagination and fantasy but also building anticipation

So you’ve just gone on a bunch of dates, but you’re not really sure how to untangle the rollercoaster of emotions that is Crush Energy + first date nerves + do-they-like-me-or-do-they-not + remembering that thing your therapist said 😀😀

The post-date eight by Logan Ury is a great resource for you to recenter and come back to what’s important to you. It can help shift our focus from chasing this checklist and “do they tick all of our boxes” because these checklists can be temporary and fleeting! Instead we’re shifting towards “what’s my body telling me?”, “did I actually enjoy how I felt around them?” or “what side of myself did they bring out?” Save these for your next date, good luck babe!

I liked this question because I got to put on my sociologist hat for this one 😚 There are soooooo many reasons that come to mind for why young folks are reported to be having less s-x these days. Ones that I didn’t include are also things like being more medicated than ever, changing priorities, having less play and exploration = less s-xual exploration. Again none of these reasons are inherently bad or judgments of those who love their online relationships, s-x tech etc.

And I could go on and on, but I also think why does it matter? The focus on quantity or frequency is boring 🍅🍅🍅 because it doesn’t say anything about the quality of the s-x we’re actually having, which is always the most important factor

It reminds of the quote from Peggy Kleinplatz, “Low desire may be evidence of good judgement. We would not expect “normal” people to have strong desires for low quality s-x.”

Y’all there is so much you can do with technology these days especiallyyyyyyyyy when it comes to doin’ the dirty, teasing and being playful with each other 🥵 It can be lighthearted and fun or it can be downright filthy. You can write out your fantasies or your most savored moments, use chat GPT, repurpose scenes from your favourite books or take a naughty selfie. It can truly be as simple as “I’ve been thinking about your mouth on me” or “Remember when we tried XYZ, that was incredibly hot”. Go wild and report back to me x

It’s giving Netflix’s How to Build a S-x Room 🍒 Howeverrrrrrrrr in this economy, very very few of us have the $$ to be creating a whole ass s-x room. Instead I’m helping you out with some s-x therapist-approved tips, and a reminder that your bedroom can be your s-x room, your sacred space, your palace of pleasure. So pick up your f’ing socks 😀😀

What have you found that helps?

Prompted to revisit adrienne maree brown’s Pleasure Activism as per @smallbeyond Relational Somatics program 🌀

Many folks struggle with saying no in fear of upsetting or inconveniencing others, or having had experiences when our no wasn’t respected.

We all have a responsibility to be receptive and responsive to others’ boundaries, and just as much, we also have the responsibility of identifying and setting our own. When we don’t identify or set our limits, we become more rigid and tense trying to hold it all together. It’s only when we set our limits, we can relax and play and be generous within them.

A reflection question for ya: in what areas of your life, do you still struggle saying no? What lies within your responsibility?

Your reminder that pleasure is the point 🌀 It’s the measure, it’s everything. I created the @the.pleasurespace quiz with @adorebeauty @sunroom.so last year to show you just that. Here’s an interview with the sweet @phoebeblogg where we dive back into all of this goodness. Links in bio! X

There’s something about this time of the year where folks are reallyyyyyyyy questioning their relationships. For some, maybe they’ve been working through the same issues and the mid-year point highlights a lack of change. For some, it’s winter and we’re exhausted. For some, it’s feeling the siren song of hot girl summer. Whatever it is, I’ve got many questions for ya to help your decision

Save it, share it, send it to your friend who needs it. Good luck ❤️‍🩹

What’s that saying? An O a day keeps the doctor away?

The latest with @bazaaraustralia 🍊 Link in bio baby

Where self-help books is the science, spicy books is the art and the practice of pleasure. In this essay I will—

A week post-Quickies and the joy is still unreal 🍒 So much of my job is connection, self-expression and finding each other, and it’s so damn cool that I now get to facilitate and create spaces like these

I’ve been busy reading ACOTAR but trust that I have some juicyyyyyyy stuff coming your way soon. Stay tuned 😚

Queer: less as who I’m taking home that night or how I dress, but as so much more than that. Queer as in ever-changing and fluid. Queer as in all of this and also none of this.

Happy pride 🍊🍋🍒

Sundays are for sitting in the grass eating fruit

I yap about desire a lot. Here’s some thoughts and some things I find myself repeating in sessions, no context

*Edit: I meant spontaneous desire is not better than responsive desire, my bad lol

Repeat after me: p*netration should never be painful!!

For the latest edition of Ask Sel, we’re talking about the potential causes of pain with p*netration in which there are many 😭 Read the full answer at Come Back to Bed, link in story xxxxx

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